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The mind numbing power of the Bachelor 2020 is becoming apparent. The franchise has just been sold to North Korea so it can be played to political prisoners in solitary confinement. By episode 11 they’re willing to sign confessions about anything in order to stop watching the show.

Yes, The Bachelor 2020 has entered the Twilight Zone.

Inspired by Roxi’s sudden departure, Bella is given the opportunity to channel her own inner split personality, known as Stella; and a monster emerges that shakes Locky to his very foundation.

Realising that the show is foundering on the rocks of banality - the producers have taken the desperate steps to sell sponsorship rights in each scene. Is the Bachelor enterprise running out of money? I will ponder this as I sip on my Starbucks coffee and eat my Ruby Magnum ice cream, that is, if there are any left after Kaitlyn cracked the combination lock on the Bachelor Mansion fridge. I don’t wish to be cruel, but this girl needs to join M.A (Magnum Anonymous). The Bachelor camera never lies and Kaityln had grown a goiter bigger than Jabba the Hut. Pass another Magnum please.

She couldn’t fit into the Kombi and therefore no glamping for her; and probably the reason why she was punted by Locky. She left the mansion with the consolation prize, an esky filled with Magnums, a salutary lesson. I am guessing in a week or two her Instagram sponsor, with discount code, could be Lean Cuisine.

She came as a bride and left as, well to put it into Roxi/ Rhonda speak- a Gold Coast wheelie bin.

But, it was the one-on-one glamping date with Locky in the Kombi that was perhaps the most contrived and desperate of all the romantic one-on-one interludes of the show so far. To the trained eye, Irene’s 3 time costume change in the middle of nowhere, not to mention the forest elves raiding Bunnings for every lantern and candle, strained credulity. It was a scene worthy of a Midsummer night’s dream or, in Locky speak, a Midsummer night’s wet dream. And as all wet dreams come to a climax, we were finally thrust into the most awkward and uncomfortable horizontal pash of the series. The last minute PLASTIC tent prop. With twigs pushing through the polyester, it had all the authenticity and sincerity of Locky’s last 5 professions of “connection and love”.

The producers have decided to pit Bella and Irena as mortal enemies.

Indeed, the withering glance of Irena towards Bella at the cocktail party, (which now fits on one sofa), had the force of the Pentagon's new laser guided Deathray. (QUEUE.. The Look of Love)

But Bella knew that she was pulling ahead because her one-on-one date with Locky had allowed him to truly be himself.

Glue sniffing with the Greek with the Japanese accent, HOW ROMANTIC and when he pulled out the hammer, I thought we were in for a game of whack-a-mole.

The truly challenging dilemma of gluing three pieces together kept Mr Potato Head (Locky) completely engaged for four hours. Finally the human aardvark with his seemingly-eight inch tongue, made his move on Bella. With three girls down this week the Locky lorry had left more roadkill than you would find on the Pacific Highway. Officer Osher reminded the comatose audience that we are getting to the ‘pointy’ end of the show and we know which point that means.

Lucky girls!

I was curious, were these girls so desperate for the love of the primate with the fish brain Locky that they were prepared to fake their hobbies and interests to align themselves with his? Let’s start with Juliette, the ‘mountain girl’, who loves the outdoors! In her final confession with Locky, it turns out she’s a TikTok loving, Rap star DM’er with a backlog of messages larger than her bra size. Lies, lies and more lies. Clearly an entrant left in the show by producers to add some spice and heaving cleavage.

Then there is Bec, who only a week ago was prepared to provide a litter of children to Locky, but seemed clearly disinterested in the final outcome… at least her Insta following has swollen significantly. Mission accomplished.

Poor Irena, the cougar nurse and tragic serial love loser looks like she will be chalking up another (very public) catastrophe. Always the Bridesmaid, never the Bride, at least the prop department has a slightly used wedding gown available for future engagements. Kaitlyn is having trouble fitting into it this week.

So is this man really worth all of the fake desperation, the fake love and fake passion? Or is Locky, just like a dose of herpes, a sudden painful eruption that clears up with medication and time?

I look forward to next week, with the same anticipation as a visit to a dentist for root canal therapy.

And also meeting Steve, Bella’s dad. It is fingernails down a chalkboard and nothing could be more terrifying than a Greek father who finds out that his daughter has been dating a man who has simultaneously dated 17 other women. At least Locky has some experience with plate smashing. Tip: Locky, wear a crash helmet and bring lots of glue.


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