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I told you so

Yes, I told you so!

I could not have written a better obituary for the marriage of Jaimie and… what was his name, if I had seen the script! Was it a lift from an old Woody Allen movie, surely?? Burly and rugged Queensland ‘fifo’ turns out to be an ‘alleged’ drug trafficker and ‘alleged" serious organised crime member and the defendant in proceedings commenced by Queensland authorities before the show went to air. He was such a charmer... I knew it the minute I laid eyes on him!

Yes, they could not see a future together... hummm...

Any man who ‘allegedly’ doesn’t wash his hands after ‘allegedly’ going to the bathroom has to be! Right?? On a serious note, how many celebrity commentators were quick to fly to his defence and troll Jaimie, accusing her of PPS, “Precious Princess Syndrome”. Get real, this match was a prefabricated train wreck from its very inception.

Well done to the MAFS production team for their impeccable due diligence.

Let’s face it, the real gong must go to the clueless trio otherwise known as the “Experts”. Matching a well educated and successful marketing executive with the Neanderthal boofhead who is now an unwilling participant in the Queensland criminal justice system. This will go down as one of the great MAFS fuck ups of all time. Yes, and do you recall the sage advice offered by chief schmuck John Aiken on the couch of commitment, to ‘get vulnerable’?

I recently asked convicted mobster Paul Vidi about his experience with John Aiken (who was a Billy Crystal look-a-like before the plastic surgery). Apparently he matched Paul with a science professor at Harvard. He was very impressed with John so it's not all bad news.

I must confess that it is getting harder and harder to write about this series. The appalling plot, mixed with the dialogue of the uneducated mediocrity has almost overwhelmed me. Am I the only one who is shocked by the incredible fall in the standards of grammar and English expression? Why are these programs so popular? Are we obsessed with voyeuristic curiosity compelling us to explore the intimate and private relationships of complete strangers. The social equation seems to be MAFS participants allow themselves to be exposed, embarrassed and or humiliated on National Television in return for achieving “C Grade” celebrity status, complete with blue ticks and insta discount codes.

This feeds into the Daily Mail’s narrative and insatiable appetite for bikini clad space cadets and tattooed beefcake gossip stories. This is a truly sad indictment of popular culture and taste.

Oh well... dinner is served... you tell 'em Agador Spartacus!

As with other reality TV offerings, it's about this stage of the proceedings that I take the opportunity to assist those who speak English to more readily understand the dialect that is used in the MAFS series. I have prepared a “Glossary of Terms” and phrases so you will be able to follow the bouncing ball much more easily. Remember most of the participants including at least one of the ‘Experts’ speaks English as a second language.

Glossary of Terms and Phrases - MAFS 2021

Own it... when the shit flies, duck!

I am done... Spoken by love bunny Jason, “I don’t want to ever, ever, ever see you again… ...unless I feel horny.”

I am out of here… I have a blue tick on Instagram, you can all go and get fucked..

Transparent... Trying to be as real as possible when editing is likely to make you a total fake.

ESK-EW-LATE... A scary threat from a person with a questionable command of the English language

Like….like…… the staple word of an "educator" who is employed to teach a new generation of MAFS viewers... heaven help us

You’re not an avocado… the universal low calorie put down and the reason why many can’t afford their first home

Get vulnerable… advice from the expert to submit to degradation and humiliation all in the name of ratings

Get Raw… the sashimi of love… more advice from an "ex-pert" in search of TV ratings

You have some catching up to do… when you admit that you are not rooting your partner with 2 weeks to go

Hand job… A manual attempt to catch up

Blue balls… Another byproduct of attempting to catch up, without a hand job

Out of my comfort zone… Usually results in blue balls

I’m In-dya not a love cry from the sub-continent, but a precursor to blue balls.

Dinner Party… A pretentious name for 9 couples to get pissed and slag off each other, pretend they are legally married and either support their imposter partners or drive them away

Wedding Vows… beautiful sentiments, quickly forgotten…

Marriage… Matrimonial deadlock in search of ratings

I can’t do nuthin… A moment of great dramatic impact once again fucked up with appalling grammar

Hero move… the move of a true idiot on national television

I’ve been ‘traide... too pissed to say “be-trayed”

There is an elephant in the room… code for let’s kick the shit out of Bryce

That was disgusting mate… a attempt to say sorry by kissing your arch nemesis on the cheek

An apology… any scene with Bryce prior to a commercial break

Hang out with me… I’ve changed my mind, you’re not so bad, I have just met a bunch of nutcases that make you look alright

No FOMO... the mojo for not going to a boys night

Gettin’ in her space... an attempt to plant and unwanted kiss

I wanna vom’... instinctive reaction when you are kissed by Bryce

Bad chicken… instinctive reaction to when you want to vom’

I'm on the shitta... when your wife can't wait to talk to you and you let her open the door during your moment of peace

Bob's your uncle... when you announce to the nation that after 8 weeks, a hand job, very blue balls, and after you have been told to get raw, get out of your comfort zone and you hear the words... I'm In-dya, and you finally go all the way...

The descent into tribal groups and alliances at the couples retreat is a modern day millennial’s Lord of the flies with Beaker Bryce starring as Piggy.

Soon the whole community will be hunting him down with spears! Bec and Jake have bonded and now sit as Angelina and Brad ruling over their minions and ready to banish any who dare to stir the status quo.

The only words of encouragement throughout this slide towards the sewer outlet was the promise that the series is drawing to a close next week!! Hallelujah!! This program is becoming a serious affront to any intelligent viewer.

Let's clear the air...

This excerpt symbolises my true feelings about this series. What a stinker...

Never give up on love


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