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Goodbye, farewell and don't call me I'll call you...

To those who have stayed the course, I salute you. I personally cannot believe that I have watched my first (and probably) last series of MAFS. It brings me little pleasure to bask in the accuracy of my prophecy. The insatiable appetite for ratings drove the production to exercise zero compassion during raw if not unhinged moments of emotional pain repeatedly inflicted upon the love bunnies.

There were indeed… ‘no prisoners’ just as I had predicted.

As the episodes mounted every unattractive and distasteful human foible including jealousy, mindless rage, moodiness, bullying, infidelity and every gradation of disrespect of which human beings are capable of was packaged and edited to provide Australia with this new dimension in “entertainment”.

I am at a total loss as to how this spectacle can command the attention span of a modern and sophisticated society. I am appalled at the standard of English expression displayed by the contestants including one identified as a school teacher! I am appalled at the alcohol culture infused in every episode. Despite all of the disappointments and puerile behaviour, this mezzanine of mediocrity, once again left love mortally wounded on the battlefield for ratings supremacy.

I summarised the magnificent aspirations of these young and enthusiastic love bunnies at the very beginning of the series as they stood before each other, at the altar of reality TV ratings.

“They spoke of the excitement of “the journey”, of prior broken hearts and past experiences moulding their personalities; a readiness and openness to commit to a life partner; love requiring selflessness; working as a team, submitting to the program as a vehicle that will deliver true love and deliver them to the final destination in their life's journey; the strength and the confidence required to undertake the extraordinary adventure of the ‘experiment’; commiting to the other person absolutely and unconditionally and making that person your number one priority in life; vulnerability, and an awareness of the risk of opening one’s heart to a stranger in the pursuit of creating happiness as a couple together; offering to describe yourself to a complete stranger and promising honesty, trustworthiness, self awareness, a capacity to listen; the excitement of exploring their new partner and getting to know them and what makes them laugh; participating in a journey that will make each love bunny the best person that they can be for each other.”

And I warned of the leap into the MAFS sewer that was about to begin. We were not disappointed.

Of profound concern to me was the role allocated in the program to the so-called “proclaimed” Experts. These nondescript “nongs” demonstrated, once again, that their run rate for successful matches remains appallingly low and their propensity for mismatching couples is unlimited. There is no better example than the match of Jaimie and the FIFO from Queensland, Chris.

Let’s walk down memory lane as we watch the 3 stooges of MAFS discuss the amazing potential compatibility of these two contestants.

Chris was our family focused groom, family focussed??? And Jaimie, a self confessed loser in love, has handed the task over to the experts! Great call Jaimie.

The cynic in me now firmly believes that almost all participants in this farce carry with them an ulterior motive… to become “Insta-famous” and social media stars. They join the ever growing line up of ‘D’ grade celebrities willing to sell their souls for the price of discounted cosmetics, bikini clad photographs and cheap photo gossip in the Daily Mail.

Throughout all the episodes it is hard to recall one conversation between any of the bunnies privately or in any of the booze infused gatherings which discussed anything remotely cerebral. Ironically it was ‘Gonzo the magnificent’ who often had an insight into the evils of bullying. What an irony that he suffered terribly in that regard.

So in the spirit of acknowledging excellence, my MAFS 2021 Awards go to...

Patrick and Belinda (or as Alessandra would refer to her, Belleeenda) for best outstanding romantic couple supported by a Brass Band. Pat finally popped his cherry and to celebrate “Patrick Style” hired another brass band to serenade his sweetheart as they became more than “Penthouse Pals”. Can we ever forget this?

Alana and Jason - “The Kama Sutra Award” - for most positions filled during a MAFS season. Including my favourite the ‘Throw me under the bus Missionary special’.

Beth and Russell - “The Intergalactic Award” - Beth deserves this award for dating an extraterrestrial.

Booka and Brett - “Best waxed moustache in Show Award” - goes to Brett and Booka is awarded with “The Best Rock Poodle in Show”.

Coco and Sam - “Best nutter in the Jar” goes to Coco and Sam has been awarded with “Best Baiter of MAFS 2021”, some people may even describe him as a “Master-baiter” for demonstrating excellent “Master-baiting” not seen on the show for many years.

Georgia and Liam - “Best imitation of a straight couple MAFS 2021”. And Georgia has a seperate award for the “Best line of the Series”, when she asked Liam “can you live without cock?”

Kerry and Johnny - Johnny wins the “Mr Goody Two-Shoes award” while Kerry has been nominated for “Best impersonation of a satisfied Beaver”.

Jaimie and Chris - without a doubt the award winning Jaimie and Chris win “The shortest romance in the history of MAFS” and a double award for Chris nominated for Covid safe good hygiene… “Best hand washing after toilet trip” in the series.

Jake and Rebecca - “Best cleavage in show award” for someone who does not want to be treated like meat, try not to look like meat. And a special award to Jake he wins “The lonely heart award”, his prize is a microwave oven where he can defrost far away from his ice queen.

Joanne and James - James wins the “Harry Houdini Award for best consistent weekend escape from the series and his allocated bride” while Jo has been nominated for “Best facial expressions for a pissed off wife in Show”.

Melissa and Bryce - nominated for “Best impersonation of a happy couple”.

Sam and Cam - Cam is the winner of “The Australian PORK Association Prize” for “Best comeback line while being placed under cross examination” “Can’t a guy eat his pork belly in peace”? Whilst Sam wins “Best gossip in Show”.

Patrick and Belinda - Have been again nominated for “Most awkward bath and foot wash in series”. Who could remember that moment when Belinda's lack of a pedi was televised nationally?

Georgia's Mum - "Best Supporting Actress in Series" in 2 minutes, this wonderful woman dispensed more advice and wisdom than all 3 stooges combined throughout the entire series.

So, as the MAFS sun sets gently behind the mountain, my parting suggestion to the production team, you might like to consider mandatory drug testing at the end of each dinner party in 2022. The wasted blood shot eyes, and dilated pupils did not escape the scrutiny of 4G high definition televisions.

Never give up on love - JD x


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone…..

The shock was palpable. The ice lady melted into a pool of disingenuous lies and half hearted untruths and it all unravelled on national television. The ultimate gladiatorial kill for all of us to see.

I make no comment about Bec. She has made her bed and must now ‘lie’ in it. Already the cesspit of social media is churning. Even Oscar is disappointed.

Her sanctimony will mark her as one of the greatest hypocrites. Yet as the curtains fall on the series tragically the theme it ends with is one of anti-love. The destructive force of infidelity and lies seared Jake. He was almost physically ill and my heart went out to him. I have been there… I have been Burnt.

Jake, you were falsely accused from the start, yet you handled yourself with gentlemanly dignity. You are, and remain, a great role model. Don’t give up on love. Look for substance, look for kindness. You found neither in your MAFS Bride. It will prove to be a blessing.

JD Watt


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