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Home and Away Edition - just like a soapie

Was it just me, or did this week's Bachelorette have a soapie flavour? Yes it was Palmolive Gold?

The banaal and bogan bodacious beauties continue to win the hearts and souls of all caravan park dwellers throughout the nation. The only redeeming feature of this vomit inducing saga is the extraordinary esprit de corps of the male contestants with one exception of course. The Roxy man, James, in this writer's opinion, a plant by the producers. Not even Palmolive Gold could remove the stench left by his departure.

The daddy day care interlude plumbed new lows. Realising that the entire cast of contestants and girl prizes are now 99% awkwardly anglo, the show's diversity monitor had a melt down and demanded the introduction of babies of colour.

Shannon demonstrated his skill with a mop and a bucket. What a pity he couldn't clean up this whole program. The poor man was unceremoniously punted in the next episode. I am sending his profile to Cardi B (I hear she likes a man who can handle a mop and a bucket).

The next great dramatic flourish occurred at the dinner party when James, on queue, stormed off the set after eating a bad oyster named Joey. Mercifully, after the Rose ceremony he was dispatched like the Christmas turkey. He was sooo disrespectful, he was sooo inappropriate, he was sooo unattractive. Finally, we were able to go back to a “real” romance story developing. Joey reintroduced Elly to his puppy Alfie and it looks like the odds shortened for the Elly, Joey and Alfie show in Newie (Newcastle) Oy Vey! Yes Elly and Joey it turns out have more connections than the NBN.

Joey, with the poetic flair of a latter day Keats said in his moment of reflection:- "she blows my socks off, she is a real cracker." I think Joey was really trying to say, “I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the Heart’s affections and the truth of the Imagination.”

There is too much heartbreak in the world and world leaders and scientists are providing solutions to the Bachelorette Franchise.

I have received a letter from the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (AKA the Mormons) , an avid fan of the Bachelor and Bachelorette. He and his fellow apostle's can’t stand the heartbreak of losing contestants. He even confessed to bribing Locky Gilbert in The Bachelor 2020. It all makes sense now, with Locky proclaiming his love for 2 women in true Mormon style! He then apparently lost his nerve in the grand final. Interpol have been alerted as he did “a runner” to Perth and pocketed the money. The President has requested that JD Watt (that’s me) be appointed as a mediator to negotiate the relocation of the series to Salt Lake City, Utah. He wanted to restyle the program “The Mormon Bachelorette 2021, Everyone’s a Winner”. This will be known as the "Mormon Solution".

Alternatively, The Royal Australian College of Surgeons suggested the "Frankenstein Solution".

They suggest, removing Joey’s face and sewing it onto Frazer’s head and inserting Adam’s brain, leftover body parts will be exported to South America and sold. It is anticipated that the revenue raised will go toward the purchase of better quality props and lanterns from Bunnings. In a world exclusive scoop, this blog can reveal that the operation was a success and here is the new and improved Joey-Frazer-Adam combo doing a musical number with Osher. Please notice how the masterly surgeon’s have been able to retain Joey’s Newie (Newcastle) accent.

On a serious note, we congratulate Shannon on his heroic selfless performance scripted by Home and Away. (Acknowledgement to James Weir)

As Shannon heads back home, carrying the burden of defeat he knows, despite his deep connection, and three blistering pashes, that there is not going to be a Mrs Becky Kurraka-man. Or was it Kurraka, man? Stoic in defeat, he was truly humble and a complete contrast to the train wreck of bitchy beauties of the Bachelor 2020.

We have received an official statement from the New Zealand Government after Shannon’s removal.

Word has it that the New Zealand Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, a big fan of New Zealand talent on trashy reality TV, has made a budget allocation for the cost of removing the "I luv ya Becky" tattoo that he had engraved on his right gun.

Shannon, bro, man, cuz.. never give up on love...

JD Watt, author of the book “BURNT”; the shocking true story of a woman’s deception and a man’s broken heart, is a divorced, devastatingly handsome, affluent single 51-year-old professional. He lives in the wealthy Eastern Suburbs of Sydney Australia. He is also a blogger giving his advice on love, relationships, sex and dating from the perspective of a middle-aged guy having learnt so much from his decade long search for “the one”. Intelligent, established, sophisticated, cultured, honest, kind, loving, generous, tall and handsome.

He offers advice on relationships and how to read the signs, so you never get “BURNT”. JD believes in love and so should you. BURNT by JD Watt is available on Amazon, Kindle and on online Booksellers globally. Download or buy your copy today.

JD Watt is not a psychologist or therapist; he bases his advice and opinions on his own life experience.

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